A Letter to a Friend:
Failure and Football from the Inside Out
Thirty-five years ago, I tried out for the Seattle Seahawks. After getting released just prior to the regular season, I wrote a long letter to a very close friend. Much of the letter was excerpted verbatim from a journal I had kept during the experience. A few years ago, my friend Scott found the letter in a box and sent a copy back to me. I have transcribed the letter here, along with some brief reflections at the end about what it looks like now looking through the rear-view mirror. I can’t help but feel for all the guys facing final cuts this week.
Fall 1984
Dear Scott,
It has taken me awhile to get this letter started, but as I told you on the phone when we last talked, I want to write you a letter filling you in on everything that has happened with football since I saw you last June. I know you are probably lonely out there in the Pacific, so I’ll make this as long as possible.
What I am going to do here is to refer to the journal that I kept while I was with the Seahawks to try to recount to you in some detail what it was like being in an NFL camp. I started my journal my first day in Seattle, June 23, three weeks before the opening of training camp, so I’ll start from there.
June 23-July 1
The first week that I was in Seattle, Tom Tunnicliffe[1](the University of Arizona QB who was quoted in “They Said It” in Sports Illustrated as saying that “any coach that thinks I am too short or too small to play is too stupid for me to play for anyway” ) and I stayed at the Gilmores. Although we slept on the floor in the Gilmores’ basement rec room, they were very nice to us and it was great staying there. They even went to the trouble of making us lunch and dinner and stuff. It was very nice of them.
Anyway, the first day that we were there, Tom and I figured we ought to go over and break the ice at the Seahawks training complex (from now on I will just call it the complex). Things were a little hairy because Tom and I were not invited to come back to Seattle early. Although most of the draft choices and top free agents were required to come back during mid-to-late June, we were not in that group. Those guys were given a place to stay and were given meal money; we had to find our own place to stay and food to eat. We just decided to show up.
Because we were crashers, we were a little nervous about going over to the complex to work out. We really felt like outsiders who didn’t belong. Well, we drove over there at about 11:00am Monday morning and sat in the car for about 20 minutes. Out on the field, 20 or so veterans and “top rookies” were out doing windsprints. Finally, those guys finished their workouts, so Tom and I went on in. We were too afraid to ask for shorts and stuff, so we put on our own workout clothes and went out and threw for about an hour-and-a-half. After we finished, we saw John Kaiser, a fifth round draft pick who played with Tom at Arizona and he said the workouts were no big deal, and that we should join the rest of the guys on Tuesday morning. We decided that would be a good idea.
We went out to the complex at about 9:00am and were out on the field by 9:30. From 9:30 to 10:30, the receivers ran pass routes with the QBs throwing and the DBs defending. Unfortunately, Byron Walker and I were the only receivers there. As you can guess, it was pretty tiring, doing one-on-one with only two guys, but the fun hadn’t even started. At 10:45, the linemen and linebackers showed up with the strength and conditioning coach (Joe Vitt). It was time for sprints and agilities. We ran 10 15 yard sprints, 10 25’s, 10 35s, 10 45s, 3 shuttles (up 5 and back, up 10 and back, up 15 and back and to 20 and back), a 6 minute run, and 2 gassers (up 40 yards and back, up 40 yards and back.) Believe it or not, it got worse as the week went on. Some days Vitt would throw in agility work (high knees, cariocas, backward running, etc.) and other days we would do a 12 minute run instead of a 6 minute run. Killer! As the week went on, I really wondered what I was doing there. Every day we would work out, hang out for awhile to see if we got any mail, then come back home and sleep. I really began to dread going over to the place. By the end of the week I was hating Seattle.
July 1 – July 13
Over the weekend, Tom and I moved from the Gilmores to the Hutchisons. We didn’t want to wear out our welcome at the Gilmores, so we went to the house of a friend of Mike’s from Annandale High School, Suzy Hutchison. Suzy and her husband Andy were really nice and this time Tom and I each had a room of our own, which was great, and much better than the recroom floor. Suzy is the anchorwoman on the news of the local CBS affiliate in Seattle. It was cool to eat dinner with her at 7:00pm and then watch her on the 11:00 news.
Anyway, Tom and I headed back to the complex on Monday morning to the dreaded workouts. We were so bummed to be starting another week. The thing that really sucked about it was that it didn’t seem like it was going to make any difference in my chances of making the team. None of the coaches were around (except Joe Vitt) so I wasn’t going to get to know the receivers’ coach any better. So you see I had this piss-poor feeling-sorry-for-myself attitude and I went out Monday morning and strained my hamstring. I really believe it was partially due to my terrible mental attitude at the time.
After hurting my ham, I went for a long walk to sort out my feelings about things. Many things went through my head on that long walk. I wondered if I really wanted to be going through all the shit. It’s not only the physical stuff, there is a lot of mental pressure as well; particularly if you are a rookie free agent. To be honest, it was not unlike when I was a 6thstring defensive back my junior year at Annandale, except you started to realize that the coaches weren’t looking for (as Coach Hardage used to say:) “the 22 best football players…” spit! spit! After a lot of thought, I realized that I was being a jerk. Here I was with a one-in-a-million opportunity and I was throwing it out the window, feeling sorry for myself. “I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m too small. I’m too short. My coach doesn’t like me, etc., etc.” These were the negative thoughts that had been dominating me and I finally realized that they were poison and were not going to lead to success. Once I realized these things, my sick mental attitude just disappeared. I tried to keep my mind focused on the positive, on the things that I couldoffer to the Seahawks, and the things that I was good at. [2]
Even though I had improved my outlook, things were not all smooth leading up to camp. Of course, I had to rehabilitate my hamstring, but fortunately it wasn’t that bad. Unfortunately, I came back on it too fast, and restrained it just 5 daysbefore camp! At that point, I just decided to lay off it totally and do NO running before the start of camp on July 14th.
Looking back on my experience of being in Seattle three weeks early, I think I would do the same thing over again. Even though I had the physical problems, and the coaches didn’t care that I came back, there were some positive aspects. First, it allowed me to get to know Tom better, and since he was going to be my roommate at camp, that made things easier. Second, I got to know most of the veterans at least a little bit. This made me feel a bit more at ease with going to camp, since I wouldn’t catch as much abuse as the other rookies. Third, it was great to get to know Jim Zorn. He was really cool. The night of my birthday he took me out to dinner; he said he didn’t think anyone should spend their birthday alone. He also had us (Tom and me) over to his house a couple of times. He lives right on this huge lake and he has a sailboat and all this cool stuff so that was really fun. Finally, it was neat to get a chance to know the Hutchisons and the Gilmores better, and to get a chance to see Seattle.
TRAINING CAMP (Eastern Washington University, Cheney, WA)
July 14(Mostly direct excerpts from my journal)
Today was the first day of camp, but not really. All we had to do today was run the 40. The trainers held me out of it because of my hamstring. I went out and tried to jog around on it a little bit but it felt terrible. You wouldn’t believe how worried I am about it.
Even after one day, the politics of pro football are hitting home. My own receiver coach still doesn’t even know or care who I am, even after mini-camp and even though I was back in Seattle three weeks early to work out at my own expense. Today, when I went to pick up my playbook, he searched for my name on the roster for awhile until I spelled my name for him: G-U-T-H-R-I-E. I couldn’t believe it. Then, he saw that I was from Princeton and said: “Yeah, things will be a lot different here than they were down there at Princeton.” Then, later, during our first meeting, he insisted on calling me Keith. Well, at least he was close.
July 15
Today was the first day of real practice, and it didn’t start out very well at all. One of the first catches of the day, in the morning practice, I dislocated my right index finger. I was running an In-route and the ball was thrown a little too far inside. I reached out for it and it just bounced off of the end of my finger. Right after it happened, my finger looked like a zig-zag, like a lightning bolt. It was dislocated at the ring joint so the end two bones of my finger displaced and were shifted down next to and parallel to the bottom joint. Because it was all tight and blood couldn’t flow into that area it was very white and tight. It hurt like hell. I came off the field and the trainer just looked down and grabbed my right hand in his two hands and popped it back in. It took him about three tries. Then he taped up my finger and sent me back out there. After that, it was tough to catch the ball. One thing that made things easier was the fact that there were about 200 fans watching practice. That was sort of cool. After the afternoon practice, one young kid came up to me and asked me my number (I had taken off my jersey and shoulder pads to lift weights after practice). When I told him “99”, he just turned and walked away. I thought it was pretty funny.
July 16
Today just added to the frustration. Just as I thought my hamstring was starting to get better, I felt another stab trying to run a post. I couldn’t believe it. It was funny though; I am starting to feel like no matter what happens, I am not going to give up or stop trying my hardest. That is one thing I am learning; never give up no matter what confronts you. Another thing I am learning is to concentrate on improving myself, not to worry about what other guys are doing. I try to learn from what they do physically, but I have quit trying to constantly compare myself to them thinking “Oh, I can’t do that.” In a sense, I am still trying to eliminate all the negative thoughts in my head. Finally, I am learning and concentrating on never saying anything bad about the other receivers. You know how it is; some guys try to make themselves feel good by talking about how one guy missed a pass or ran the wrong pattern or whatever…I am not going to do any of that.
July 17
Today, I decided to back off the hamstring. Continuing to run on it was only making things worse. The trainers told me I should just stay out of the full speed stuff for awhile until I can get it better. I am pretty frustrated. I know pulled hamstrings don’t get better in one or two days – what am I to do? I’ve really just got to take it day-by-day and hang in there. My hopes are down to a pretty low level now, but I’m just trying to stay with a positive attitude about things. I’m going to try to get back into drills as soon as possible; hopefully by Thursday when the veterans report. Then there will be fewer repetitions anyway. I’m afraid that then I’ll be passing time, but we’ll see. I’m going to keep fighting this thing and do the best that I can. One embarrassing note: Coach Moore (the receivers’ coach) thanked me today for jumping in and giving the others guys a break during team run. “Hey, thanks Coach, no problem, just here to fill in.”
July 18
The veterans reported today, but they did not practice. Practice this morning was okay; I pretty much stayed off the hamstring. It was a little better this afternoon. Then after it was feeling better, Coach Moore put me in on almost every passing play during 7-on-7 and it’s pretty sore again. I must add here that I was not put into pass skeleton to give me an opportunity; I was just running backside routes to give other receivers a rest.
July 19
My hamstring felt a lot better today. Now, if I just continue to be smart about things, I’ll be up to full speed someday soon. I do most of the drills; I’ve just been staying out of the drills that require me to run full speed (such as one-on-one). Not running full speed has allowed me to keep from reinjuring it.
It’s really fun to watch Steve Largent during one-on-one. He is simply amazing. The DBs really don’t have any idea where he is going to go. He has a way of keeping his head and shoulders held the same way no matter how hard he is running. He also makes great quick subtle fakes with his head and shoulders. Finally, he seems to rotate his hips before he rotates his upper body into a cut. It is really incredible how effortlessly he burns these DBs.
July 20
Today was a better day; my hamstring is really starting to improve daily. I feel much better about being here. I really think that if I can stay healthy I can be right in the thick of things going down the stretch. My routes are improving as my quickness improves, especially my Outs. It’s going to be a little while though before I can really accelerate. Today I caught my first ball during 7-on-7 (the first time a ball has been thrown to me!) I ran a 13-yard out and the ball was thrown behind me. I made the catch reaching back as I got hit. I got a number of compliments on it; it felt great.
Another first today, I was called up front to sing at dinner. Kani Kauhi and David Hughes, who are from Hawaii, know that I lived there and asked me to sing them a Hawaiian song to remind them of home. I didn’t really know one but I sang a couple of lines from a song I used to hear my mom sing and dance hula to. They liked it and gave me a big hand.
July 21
This morning Coach Moore told me that I had a good day yesterday. That was really the first encouraging thing that I have heard since I came to Seattle almost a month ago. Also, Rusty Tillman, the special teams coach (and formerly of the Redskins), told me that he’d heard that I was “tearing ‘em up.” I don’t know about that, but he also said Roy Jefferson had called and said some very complimentary things about me. That was nice of him.[3]
It’s really weird around here, the way they are cutting people just about every day. When you wake up, you wonder who’s gone now, whether or not it’s one of your friends. There really are some good guys around, but as soon as you get to know them, they’re gone. It’s funny, too, how the nicest guys seem to be the first to go.
July 22
It is all a roller coaster. I’ll make a nice catch or play, and I get excited. And then I look around and come to my senses and see how the odds are stacked against me. And I get down. It’s a strange business.
July 23
I participated in all the drills today and I felt like I had a pretty fair couple of practices. Unfortunately, Coach Moore ended the meeting tonight by saying: “Thanks a lot, all you younger guys for helping us out.” Obviously we seem to be here to “help out” rather than to challenge for positions on the roster. I guess that’s another one of those things that is beyond my control, so I’ll have to ignore it and keep fighting as if the starting spot is wide open. I really feel like I am starting to play well, but…
July 24
The drudgery is getting monotonous. Just another day at the office, went full in both practices. Although I’m still not at full speed, my hamstrings are really starting to feel a lot better, although now my right quad is bothering me. I seem to have strained one of the muscles in my quad. Fortunately, it is not like a hamstring where you can’t even run on it. I have been heating it before practices and wrapping it heavily to keep it from getting any worse. I hope it gets better soon. Saturday is the Tampa Bay game and I want to be ready if I get a chance.
This place is weird. You feel so isolated around here. We’ve had 10 straight days of two-a-day practices and we have only five more practices before the first pre-season game. I don’t really know for sure if I’ll get in that game or not or for how long. Right now, it doesn’t look like Steve Largent is going to go and Paul Johns won’t play because of a sore hamstring. That leaves Byron Walker, Chris Castor, and Jeff Champine at Z, and Daryl Turner, Freddie Brown, Steve Brown and me at X. I have to learn both positions though, because Chris is also nursing a sore hamstring, so maybe I’ll get in at Z.
I had one good catch during one-on-one today. I was going against Terry Taylor, the Seahawks #1 draft choice. I ran a corner route, but the ball was thrown short so I gathered and went up over Taylor and caught the ball. As he hit me I flipped over and landed on the back of my head and neck with my legs over my head. My coach didn’t say anything about it though, but then he doesn’t say good things to me. He just likes to give me a hard time about being an engineering student from Princeton. Chris Castor seems to think that that means that he likes me. We’ll see about that.
July 25
Today was a little good and a little bad. First, my releases were terrible during 7-on-7. One time, versus tight bump-and-run, I led the corner ride me way inside on an “In” route; terrible!! I should have faked inside and slipped him to the outside.
Then, later, I had an embarrassing moment, really my first “rookie” mistake. I was supposed to run a deep comeback on a rollout pass and I accidentally jumped offside. After I jumped, I thought they would stop the play, so I just stood up and looked around. Well, they snapped the ball anyway so the corner came after me and nailed me while I was just standing there confused. He knocked me flat on my ass! I was so messed up by then that I just struggled to my feet and looked around. I looked like a kid lost in a grocery store. It was probably pretty funny. When we were watching it during game films, everyone was getting a pretty good laugh out of it, and I must admit, it was funny. My coach, however, saw a golden opportunity to make me look bad and he didn’t let it go by. He ran the film back and forth about 10 times and was laughing hysterically. I mean there were tears in his eyes and finally he looked over to me and said “C’mon Kevin, aren’t you embarrassed?” Needless to say, it was NO fun. The worst part of it, though, was that he made a much bigger deal out of it than he had when the other rookies or players made mistakes. I don’t know; maybe I am just a little paranoid… but I think I am entitled to make a few of those kinds of mistakes.
That said, the day wasn’t ALL bad. During Team Pass, the drill where we basically scrimmage on film practicing the passing game, I caught another deep ball on Terry Taylor. I turned him around on a corner route and Tom T threw a perfect shot to the outside which I caught diving upfield near the sideline. It was a fun play.
I don’t really know how things are going. I get a lot of positive feedback from other coaches and players, but I know I have lots to learn and my coach doesn’t seem too high on me.
July 26
Today was the last day of two-a-days before we head for the Hall of Fame Game. What a relief, physically, but it really starts to heat up mentally and emotionally. You really want to do well when – or if – you get to play. I’m getting nervous; I just hope that once I get in there for a play, it’ll just be like any other football game. It’s all pretty exciting, but, hey, it’s just an exhibition game, right?
Now it’s just a matter of preparing myself mentally to play in my first NFL game. I’m just going to try to do my very best to take advantage of the opportunities I get, and try to overtake whatever obstacles that may confront me. I’ve tried to take that attitude during this whole camp, and I think it holds for the game as well.
Our head coach (Chuck Knox) spoke of POISE tonight during the team meeting. It takes me full circle back to the pre-game speech of Bob Hardage at Annandale – “Poise, gentlemen…CHAMPIONS DON’T CHOKE!!”
July 27
Tonight is the night before my first NFL game and boy, am I nervous. It’s slightly different from the nerves I felt before Princeton games. In those games, I always felt tremendous pressure from so many people depending on me to play well for us to win. This, obviously, is not that, because I probably won’t get until after a while and since the game doesn’t even matter. I just want to play the best that I am able. It’s so weird, because you have no idea what to expect – you’ve never played on this level and you just don’t know what it is going to be like. Hopefully, once I get in there, it’ll be just like any other football game. It’s very difficult to describe the feelings I have right now – just the thought of playing, no, walking out onto an NFL field, really makes me stop and think. All those times I went to ‘Skins games and went down close to the field just to watch pre-game warmups. I just hope I play well tomorrow. I need to do a good job of blocking – needless to say, if I get an opportunity to catch a pass I hope I do it. This isn’t all making much sense because I am totally spaced out… I guess I’ve conveyed my emotions at this time.
July 29
Yesterday was amazing. Not only was I given an opportunity to play, but I was able to catch a couple of passes on National TV. It’s all very exciting but I’m trying to keep things in perspective. I realize that it’s not going to change my chances of making the team all that much. I’ve got so far to go and the competition is SO tough. Once again, I just have to keep doing my best, and then go from there.
I am so thankful that I got to do what I did. My parents and Meg and Dick (Meg’s boyfriend) were at the game and they were so proud. It really made me happy to see them after the game. I know the rest of my family was at home watching and I’m sure that they were happy too. That was just such a great blessing; an experience I will never forget. After the game, when I got on the bus to head back to the airport, there was a fun moment. Rookies have to sit on the back of the bus, but when I stepped on, Steve Largent said: “Hey, after a game like that you are going to get to sit up here.” It’s one of those things that is great for the long-term – I’ll have great memories – but in the short-term I’ve got to forget about it and get back to business. Tomorrow is practice as usual. I’m sure I made mistakes and that I will have to play much better this week in practice to get lots of playing time next weekend.
Going into tomorrow, I fully expect to find things the same in practice as they were before the Hall of Fame game. I probably will get far fewer opportunities with everyone coming back from their injuries. I’m going to try to be ready for everything but expect nothing.
July 30
Today was an interesting day. As I expected, my performance last Saturday didn’t change my status too much in the depth chart of the receiver corps. I still have a long road ahead if I am going to make this team. This morning, before the morning practice, Steve Moore came up and assured me that he would be fair in giving me an opportunity to make the team. He told me that I would be right in the thick of things down to the wire. I could tell though, that in some way, what he was saying was some kind of apology. He said he didn’t want me to become frustrated or discouraged by what was going to happen to me. Sure enough, when the afternoon came I had very few opportunities to show. I am just going to have to really work during individual periods, during pattern work with the QBs, and during one-on-one. The problem is that you make the team during the drills that are filmed – 7-on-7, Team Pass, and Scrimmaging. I never get featured in those. Somehow I have to stay focused and not make any mental mistakes. I have to know all of the routes and blocking assignments for all four receiver positions. I need always to make the proper adjustments. That is one way I may be able to stand out against my competition. So… study hard; work hard, and hope for the best. Keep that positive attitude – what has become my camp mantra.
The other thing that is pretty frustrating, or at least a challenge, is that the other receivers are beginning to give me a hard time because I dive for a lot of balls. It’s just that way I do things. I have got to catch the ball the way I am most confident, regardless of whether they give me a hard time. This afternoon, Byron Walker got twisted up and fell down and Steve Largent said: “Nice catch, Kevin, I mean Byron.” It stung. And it shook my confidence. Later there was a ball that was just out of my reach and I tried to stay up but couldn’t get my hands on it. I know I could have caught it if I had laid out. I don’t know; it’s no fun to be made fun of, especially by someone like Largent who you are trying like crazy to impress.
July 31
The last day of July…Whew! A moral victory. Things went ok today. I guess I had fairly good practices. I got one good route on film during 7-on-7, a comeback and I was wide open. They didn’t throw it to me, but I have to take pride in what little I can.
Dwight Scales, a longtime veteran WR who has played for Chuck Knox for years, has been really nice to me. He’s been in the league for 10 years and played at both LA and San Diego. He provided me with constructive criticism about my laying out for balls. He said I need to keep my feet whenever possible. He said he used to have a similar habit – he called it “forgetting his feet”. He said he did it when he was younger and it came from concentrating only on the football. He said you have to be able to run through the ball and get yardage after the catch. That said, he complimented me on my abilities and my body control and said that I have a really good shot of making the team. He thinks it will help me if I can keep my feet. I will definitely work on that; it’s much better inspiration than just being laughed at or made fun of.
August 1
Things are reaching a very high frustration level for me now. I have been pretty much removed from 7-on-7 and team work altogether. It’s such a huge challenge to keep a positive attitude about things. I really have to keep concentrating on what I can control – my assignments, my responsibilities. I have to be ready to play if I get the call on Saturday. Unfortunately, I have to play twice as well as everyone else, because if I do play it will be without any practice repetitions under my belt.
The only hope I can hold out now is that they know what I can do, at least a little bit, and that they want to concentrate on working with Chris and Daryl. If I don’t look at things that way, I can only surmise that I am just biding my time here…only to be cut after I have fulfilled my purpose as an extra set of legs for training camp. I hope that’s not true.
August 2
Things continued on the same path for me today – very few reps in 7-on-7 or Team. I think the amount I play this weekend depends a lot on how much or whether Steve Largent plays. He’s having trouble with his hamstring, but really think he will be ready to play.
One part of my efforts here has been satisfied. Today, one of my goals in coming here came full circle and I’ll explain how. About five weeks ago, when I was back in Seattle, I talked to Jim Zorn about my chances of making the team. He told me how competitive things would be and that it was going to be really tough. I told him then that I wanted to prove that I was good enough to play for the Seahawks, and that if I was cut it would be a numbers thing. Well, today, I was talking to Jim and I spoke of my frustration with regard to my not getting opportunities in practice anymore. He said that I shouldn’t worry about it, because I had proven that I could do what had to be done – that I could play at this level. He told me I should feel confident that, even if I don’t hang on here, were I cut, it would be a numbers game and not because I was not capable. That really made me feel good, and a bit honored to have Jim Zorn say that about me and to me.
August 3
Easy day, day before a game. We had meetings and films in the morning, and a walk-through practice in the afternoon; no problem. I talked to my coach today and he seems to be saying that I will not play tomorrow night. If I do get in (Largent’s not going to play), I’ve got to be mentally prepared. As Chuck Knox likes to say: “Never take a test unless you know you will pass it.” I’m getting nervous as if I were starting.
August 5
We played the Bills in the Kingdome and that was kind of cool. Warm ups were a bit hard because it took some time to get used to seeing the ball indoors. Didn’t matter though. Sure enough, I didn’t play at all. Not one second. We won a boring game, 7-3.
On Sunday, we had the day off and stayed in Seattle. Tom and I went to Jim Zorn’s house. From there on the lake we watched the hydroplane races and the Blue Angels overhead. Although the weather wasn’t very good (overcast) it was nice of the Zorns to have us over on Jim’s one day off. Jim and I went sailing on his HobieCat. It was fun. We were going really fast and getting the Cat on one hull until we flipped it over. We had to get help from another boat to right us.
August 6
Practice was horrible today! The whole team was flat and Chuck was mad!! Chuck said he thought maybe the lines were too long. I guess we’ll be seeing some big-time cuts tomorrow. I don’t think I deserve to be cut, and I’m not really expecting to be cut, but you never know. For me, practice today was very frustrating because it is clear I am not competing for a position – I am not being evaluated. Maybe things will change tomorrow if some receivers get cut.
One person that I wanted to remember in my journal is Dwight Scales. He has been incredibly supportive of me through this whole deal. He has made a real effort to watch me and give me encouragement. Today, he told me that he thought I had the best concentration of anyone on the field. That was a great compliment. He then showed me a better way of taping my dislocated finger so that I don’t keep re-injuring it. All along he has been helpful in many ways, telling me I am doing well and urging me to hang in there. I really like and respect the man. [4]
Tomorrow is a big day for me. If any receivers are cut, I want to perform to the best of my ability with my mental concentration at peak intensity.
August 7
Steve Brown was cut, but that didn’t change things one iota for me. I caught the ball well in drills this morning and it didn’t matter at all. In the afternoon, I was starting to feel sorry for myself and wasn’t concentrating as I should have been. I can’t let that happen again .. every day has to be better than the previous day or I’ll be let go. It’s tough, but I’ve got to keep on battling.
I must say it’s even tougher when considered in the context of what Coach Moore said to me tonight. After practice, he asked Jeff Champine, Freddie Brown and me to stay after the film meetings. He then went on to tell us that we deserved to be here and that we should keep trying, but that we would continue not to get much work. Effectively, he told us that Castor is the 5thWR but that we should hang tough because someone might get hurt or something. It makes me feel like I want to quit, because it seems as if decisions have already been made. This is terrible. What makes it worse is that Castor doesn’t even want to play that much. I think he is scared. He is always complaining about how he doesn’t like practice and doesn’t really like football.
August 8
Things got worse today. Even though I caught the ball great in both practices, even two one-handed catches, it didn’t make a bit of difference. In fact, tonight’s films were probably the worst for me of any night during training camp; not because I did poorly, but because of the coach’s attitude. At one point, I ran a Post instead of a Hook on a 2 call. Coach Moore asked me why and I realized that I had had a mental lapse. You see, at Princeton a “2” route is a Post, so my sub-conscious mind must have taken over. Coach Moore just laughed at my quick explanation. He put his hand on my shoulder and said: “Kevin, when you become a famous engineer and move from one firm to another, don’t forget to learn the new firm’s terminology.” I really am starting to hate that guy.
I don’t want to start thinking like this, but if they are going to cut me, I wish they would just go ahead and do it. At least then I might have some chance of getting picked up by another team or something. This watching and uselessness really gets me down. I go to sleep hoping that a night’s rest will wipe away the bitterness.
August 9 and 10
It didn’t write the journal on the 9thbecause I was sore and frustrated. Yesterday I sprained my shoulder diving for a pass. This morning, I wasn’t supposed to do anything during practice at all, which was no big deal, because it was the day before a game. The trainers wanted me to rest it so I might play Saturday in Detroit. Anyway, I went out and told Coach Moore that I wouldn’t be able to do anything – that the trainers were holding me out -- and he said “okay”. Unfortunately, Daryl Turner, Steve Largent, and Paul Johns all felt like taking it easy, so I had go in and practice. My shoulder was REALLY sore and I didn’t hardly stretch because I didn’t think I would be doing anything. Before you know it, I am running every single play and my shoulder is killing me. We’re working on the 2-minute offense, and I’m supposed to be running a full speed take off route and Zorn throws the ball over my head. It was my fault; I was not running at full speed. I was running a back side clearing route and they never throw it to me. Not to mention I was not capable of running at full speed and wasn’t supposed to be on the field at all with a partially separated shoulder. On the way back to the huddle Coach Knox yelled at me for not getting to the ball and so of course Coach Moore jumped on the bandwagon and yelled “C’mon Kevin! Wake up!!” He knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing anything, but he didn’t defend me at all. After practice, he came up to me and apologized for putting me in, that he hadn’t expected the drill to move at that fast a pace. Then, he went on to say that the situation provided an interesting psychological study. He said that here I was, one of the smartest guys out there, being an engineer from Princeton and all, but that I lost concentration once a lot of plays were in and a little pain was added to the picture. He said he found it very interesting. I knew it as bullshit, and felt like punching him. He then went on to say that it had been nice having me at training camp, that he had enjoyed coaching me. I guess my Seahawks days are numbered.
August 11 and 12
This weekend was the Detroit Lions game, and of course, once again I did not play. Although my shoulder hurt, I was prepared to play if I got the call. Meg, Dick (Meg’s boyfriend) and Gus came out to Detroit for the game. It was great of them to come; I really appreciated it.
The game itself was just another spectator situation for me. My coach originally wasn’t going to let me participate in pre-game warmups; he said he wanted me to stay out of them because of my shoulder. I wasn’t hearing any of that after what he had put me through the day before. Besides, once the adrenaline gets flowing things don’t hurt much at all. I wanted Gus, Meg and Dick at least to get to see me do warm-ups, and think that I might have a chance to play. So I did warmups and watched the game from the sidelines.
Sunday night was the rookie show, where the rookies have to put on skits. Tom and I wrote a song making fun of Chuck Knox’s sayings, tics and movements. We sang the song to the tune of BTO’s “Taking Care of Business” because “we got to go out and take care of bidness” is one of Coach Knox’s go-to sayings. Tom powdered his hair and played the Coach Knox role and I and two other guys were his “pips”, doing Chuck mannerisms and singing background with things like “woulda, coulda, shoulda is a fuckin’ losers’ lament.” We were the hit of the show. Tom was perfect.
August 13
To tell you the truth, I’d be happy if I were cut tomorrow. This team has no intention of keeping me; they might as well get it over with and give me an opportunity to land elsewhere. I have to fight the desire to give up; I want to walk out of this situation with my head held high. I can’t let them beat me.
August 14
Today, after the morning practice, one of the PR guys came up to me and said that some reporter wanted to talk to me. I said ok, but then he checked his list again, and said that no, he was mistaken, I was not one of the guys on the list. I jokingly said: “Oh, I know, I’m not good enough.” He got sort of nervous and said: “No, no the reporter just wants to talk to the receivers who are competing for the last receiver position.” Oh, that makes me feel better. Not sure what that guy was thinking.
Before the afternoon practice I was telling Dwight about what happened that morning with the reporter. He was real nice and told me that I amazed him. He told me that in his ten years he had never seen a rookie who was as emotionally strong as I am. That really cheered me up and I went out and had a really good afternoon practice. My routes on film (all on backside routes, of course) were sharp, but Coach Moore never said a word. A couple of times I had the defensive back totally turned around. I guess I shouldn’t have expected Coach Moore to notice. Sometimes, though, you get your hopes up, thinking that a good practice might get noticed, but it always results in disappointment and embarrassment. You’ve got to keep hoping though, because it’s the only thing that propels you.
August 15 and 16
Yesterday I didn’t write out of total frustration. What else is new? I just keep getting dogged by this system. It’s so bad. Although we broke camp yesterday, it was really an anti-climactic experience. While everyone else was so happy to be home, back in Seattle, Tom and I were just moving to another hotel room.
Today was even worse. This morning during a meeting everyone was joking around about how great it is to be home, eating good food and stuff, and I joked about how excited I am to be in a new Holiday Inn. Obviously a sarcastic comment. Steve Moore heard it and responded quickly: “Hey, you should just feel fortunate that you’re still here.” That just wasn’t true. I felt I had earned being here. Anyway, things got worse. It was the day before a game so we were doing a lot of work on the two-minute offense and end of game Hail Mary plays. Unfortunately, Jeff Champine and I did all of the work while Paul Johns, Byron Walker, and Chris Castor laughed it up on the sidelines. I felt totally used. They weren’t trying to prepare us for the game; we were just rest for the vets.
I called Marvin (Demoff, my agent) last night and told him about everything that was going on. He called Mike McCormack today and they talked about it. I talked to Marvin again tonight and he was VERY vague about things. He told me to remain positive, that the receiving jobs were not set and that I should just hang in there. I really don’t understand any of this.
Dwight has some very strong ideas about what is going on. He is very angry tonight because Castor is starting ahead of Byron Walker tomorrow night. He thinks that Chuck is trying to trade a receiver. He is angry because he thinks they might be trying to trade Byron. Dwight says he has never seen such a strong case of favoritism in his entire career (between Coach Moore and Castor). It really makes him angry.
Who knows; maybe these are the things that Marvin found out when he talked to Mike McC this afternoon. I guess only time will tell, but I am going to try to prepare myself mentally to play tomorrow night, just in case I get in. This is a strange business.
August 18
We played the St. Louis Cardinals in the Kingdome last night. Once again, warmups and no playing time for me. Haven’t seen the field since the Hall of Fame game, now 3 weeks ago. We won, 17-7. Chris Castor had a long TD catch during the game. That might not bode well for me.
August 21
This morning I was woken up at 6:30am with a knock on the door of my hotel room. Yep, the day had come. I was told to come to the complex and bring my playbook and get packed up.
I was actually looking forward to the opportunity to go in and see Coach Knox. I wanted to hear what he had to say. When I walked into his office he got up from behind his desk and shook my hand. He said I had done very well -- had played great in the Tampa Bay game and had had a great camp. He said it was a numbers game. Of course I was angry, so I asked him: “Why, if I played well vs Tampa Bay, was I not given an opportunity to play in any more games?” He said that they wanted “to give Castor a chance to play himself on to the team, or play himself off the team.” Essentially, I took this to mean that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome. That made me even more angry. I said: “We all know Castor wasn’t playing well, didn’t I at least earn the chance to compete for the spot, even in practice!?! If we competed, both of us would get better and the team would be better.” Knox sort of smiled/smirked at my naivete and said: “Kevin, I can’t answer that; we were just giving Castor the opportunity to play himself on or off the team.” I shifted the discussion and asked him for an honest answer: “should I give up trying to play in the NFL and do something else?” He said “no, you have done well. You are smart, have great hands and concentration, and if you get in the right place at the right time you might become another Steve Largent.” “Remember,” he said, “Steve was cut from the first team that he tried out for.
So that was it. I left Coach Knox’s office and went to get my stuff out of my locker. Walking through the locker room was strange. Here were a bunch of guys you had gotten to know for an intense couple of months (60 days to be exact, not counting when I was in for mini-camp). Now you were leaving. In general, people did not want to make eye contact, at least not the veterans. Of course Dwight was great and encouraging, as was Jim Zorn – they both told me I had to try again because I was going to make it somewhere -- but for the most part the veterans just averted their eyes or offered up a quick “good luck.” The training room staff, with whom I spent WAY too much time, were extremely nice and genuinely seemed sorry to see me go, as were the film guys. One of the guys who shoots film had taken me to the hospital for stitches during mini-camp when I split the webbing between my fingers catching a hard pass from close range. He was particularly nice in saying he had been rooting for me ever since that trip in May.
Once you are cut, you go see the doctor and they give you a physical. You have to sign a release so you cannot sue them for letting you go due to an injury. That doesn’t take long at all. I think I was on a 1pm flight out of the Seattle airport. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the couch at my parents’ house at 7420 Walton Lane, in Annandale, VA, no longer a professional football player. Actually no longer employed at all.
* * *
Some further reflections from my journal, which I wrote after coming home:
I am exhausted. I haven’t done a thing at all for several days. I think I am depressed. Last night I watched the Redskins last preseason game on TV with my dad. That was weird. It all looked very different to me. I got in an argument or two with my dad about whether a play had actually been called, or who was at fault for a bad play’s outcome. I was angry.
I started to paint my parents’ house. I had worked at IBM last summer at the National Federal Marketing office in Bethesda, MD. They offered me a permanent job in the spring, but I turned it down. They said they were going to hold it open for me anyway. I asked them not to, because I said I wanted to be “all in” for making the Seahawks. I didn’t want to have a backup plan. They smiled and clearly thought I was not going to make it, and said that the job would be here for me. When I got cut, they saw the news, and called me at home. I told them I didn’t want the job. I can’t make the commitment because I might get picked up or try out for another team. They are angry. I feel like I can’t do anything right.
* * *
A few reflections today
Now, 35 years later, I have told aspects of this story many times. I tried a second year with the Philadelphia Eagles and did not make the roster there either. I was much more in contention in Philly than I was in Seattle, and in the end, that was enough for me. I felt that they gave me a real chance to make the team.
After getting cut I felt like a failure. Truth be told, I was a failure. My goal had been to make an NFL roster and I had failed. It felt pretty miserable. It is a funny thing, too, because it is a very public failure. Everyone knows. They read the transactions page and see your name on waivers. When it comes right down to it, getting cut has some plusses and some minuses if you are the player. Lord knows it was frustrating and there were days that I just wanted them to get it done. But no one else feels that way. Your friends and family want you to make the team. Most people would love to be able to say, “Myfriend is a receiver with the Seahawks. Good friend of mine.” We all do it; it is human. So you feel like you have let all of those people down too, and they are disappointed. Not in you. They know you tried. They are just disappointed.
When I tell people I failed at trying to play in the NFL, they usually get uncomfortable. “That’s not a failure; look how few people get an opportunity to do that! You made it that far; that’s awesome.”
No, it’s not like that. If you were in medical school and took all of the classes and prepared for all the tests and then when it came time to get a degree and a license, someone said, no, you’re not good enough; you cannot be a doctor. Would you feel good for having got that far?
You have to accept failure to get beyond it. I am grateful for the painful experience I had trying to make an NFL roster. It changed my life’s course. I probably would have spent my career at IBM. Instead I got off the treadmill and chose to try different things, taking more risk of failure, not because I liked it, but because I had survived it and it was familiar to me. I am convinced that getting cut from two NFL teams was a more powerful experience – was much better for me -- than if I had had a relatively undistinguished one or two or even five year playing career. (Do you know Chris Castor? Daryl Turner? Byron Walker? Paul Johns?)
On reflection, I learned more from this experience of failure than if I had held on for a year or two in the League. Then I could say, "Oh yeah, I was an NFL player." Confronting failure is painful. I am in so many ways better off to be willing and able to say: “I never made the NFL.”
[1]I met Tom at mini-camp in May and we got along really well. We ended up as roommates in the hotel together. We decided to room together at training camp too. He was All Pac 10 and a very confident guy. After he signed with Seattle (as an undrafted free agent, like me) he put a message on his answering machine that said: “Hi, this is the Seahawks answer to the Super Bowl Tom Tunnicliffe, please leave a message…” It was just a joke for his friends, but a reporter called, and well,… You can imagine he took some grief for that one from the veterans at mini-camp. “Where’s the Answer Man?!?”
[2]I will add details and things I remember that I didn’t include in my original letter to Scott. The night after straining my hamstring, when I returned to the Hutchisons, I stumbled across a copy of the book “The Right Stuff”. I started reading it and didn’t stop. I read it all the way through the night and into the next day. I kept reading it until I finished. It also played a bit of a role in motivating me to get over myself.
[3]I had worked out with Roy Jefferson and his son Marshall at Annandale when I was getting in shape during the summer before my senior year in college.
[4]A lot of people just tape two fingers together. But then you lose a lot of spread and mobility. Dwight showed me how to tape the two fingers together with a little band between them, almost like a bit of webbing. That way you can still support the injured finger with the healthy one, but there is some spread between the fingers giving you more surface area and strength to catch the ball. It helps a lot.
I loved reading this, Kevin. It brings back so many memories for me too. Hard to believe thaat it has been thirty-five years.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this, Kevin. Powerful.
ReplyDelete